Condolence Messages: What to Write in a Sympathy Card

There is a blank sympathy card on the table, or a cursor that has been blinking in a message box for twenty minutes. Someone you care about has lost a person they love, and you are so afraid of saying the wrong thing that you have said nothing. These condolence messages are for that moment: words to copy, change and send today.

A condolence message, also called a sympathy message, tells someone who has lost a loved one that you are sorry and that the person who died mattered. Below are the four parts of a good one, then complete messages by relationship, channel, faith and kind of death, and the lines that hurt even when meant kindly. A plain message sent today does more good than a perfect one that never leaves your desk. If you are the one receiving these messages, what to say back is in how to respond to condolences.

What to Write in a Sympathy Card: The Four Parts of a Good Condolence Message

In a sympathy card, write four things: that you have heard about the death, with the name of the person who died; that you are sorry; one memory or quality of theirs; and a close that asks nothing of the family. That fits in the three or four lines that AARP's guide to condolence notes says are enough. Here they are, built into one message to a childhood friend whose father has died; like every message on this page, it is invented, names and all.

1. The death, and their name. Say it plainly, and use the name of the person who died somewhere in the message; people stop saying it, and families notice. "Tamsin, I just heard about your dad."
2. Sorry, in your own words. Plain words comfort more than formal ones. "I'm so sorry."
3. One memory or quality. The part families keep: one small, true thing. "I keep thinking of Ambrose driving us to swim practice every Saturday in that green van, and never once letting us pay for the hot chocolate afterward."
4. A close that asks nothing. No reply needed, and at most one offer with a day on it. As the bereavement charity Cruse advises, offering to collect the children on Thursday helps more than "let me know if there's anything I can do". "There's no need to reply. I'll pick the kids up from school on Thursday and feed them at our place."

Put together and signed:

Tamsin, I just heard about your dad, and I'm so sorry. I keep thinking of Ambrose driving us to swim practice every Saturday in that green van, and never once letting us pay for the hot chocolate afterward. There's no need to reply. I'll pick the kids up from school on Thursday and feed them at our place.

Love, Kate

The memory is small on purpose: one green van on a Saturday says more than "he was a wonderful man" ever could.

Short Condolence Messages for a Sympathy Card or Text: Twelve You Can Send Today

A short condolence or sympathy message, in a card or a text, can be one or two lines, as long as it sounds like you and, where you can, names the person who died. Swap the bracketed words for your own.

1. "I just heard about [Name]. I'm so sorry. No need to reply; I'm thinking of you."
2. "[Name] was one of the kindest people I've known. I'm so sorry, and I'm here."
3. "[Your mom's laugh at your graduation] is one of my favorite memories. I'm so sorry."
4. "There are no right words, so here are plain ones: I'm sorry, and I love you."
5. "Thinking of you all. I'll miss seeing [Name] [on the porch every morning]."
6. "I've been thinking about you all day. If a walk would help this week, I'm free [Wednesday after five]."
7. "I was so sad to hear about [Name]. I'm grateful I got to know [him]."
8. "Sending love from [Lisbon]. I wish I could be with you, and I'm so sorry about [Name]."
9. "I don't know what to say, except that I'm sorry and I'm not going anywhere."
10. "Please accept my sympathy on the death of your [father]. [He] was always generous with [his] time."
11. "Sorry doesn't cover it. I'll mow your lawn on [Saturday]; you don't need to come out."
12. "Your [dad] was so proud of you, and everyone could see it. I'm so sorry."

Condolence Messages for the Loss of a Mother, Father, Husband or Wife, Child, Brother or Sister, Grandparent or Pet

A condolence message for the loss of a parent, a partner, a child, a sibling, a grandparent or a pet should name the one who died and, if you knew them, give one true memory. Two for each follow: one for a close friend or family member, one for someone you know less well.

The loss of a mother.

Jess, I'm so sorry about your mom. Marion was the first grown-up who listened to me as if I had something worth saying. I'm bringing coffee on Saturday; send me away if it's not a good day.

Dear Anil, I was very sorry to hear that your mother has died. I only knew her from school pickup, but she always waved to my kids as well as yours. I'm thinking of you all.

With sympathy, Marta

The loss of a father.

Chiara, I can't believe your dad is gone. I can still see Mr. Ferraro at every school play, on his feet clapping before anyone else. No need to answer; I'll call on Sunday, and it's fine if you don't pick up.

Dear Mr. Eze, I met your father only once, at your daughter's graduation, and he spent ten minutes asking about my roses. I was sorry to hear of his death. Please accept my sympathy.

Alan Price

The loss of a husband or wife. If you knew them as a couple, say so: it tells the widow or widower that someone saw what they had.

Rhoda, I'm so sorry. Wilf adored you and never cared who saw it. I'll be at your door at ten on Tuesday to walk the dog, and I'll keep coming until you tell me to stop.

Dear Mr. Haddad, I was so sorry to hear about Huda. She sold me my first winter coat at the shop on Grove Street and talked me out of the ugly one. Please accept my deepest sympathy.

The loss of a son or daughter. Write with the most restraint here: the child's name, your sorrow, a memory if you have one, and your presence. Nothing else.

Ines and Tom, we are so sorry. Milo made us laugh every time he explained the rules of one of his games. We are here, today and in all the months after. Nothing to reply to.

Dear Priya, I am so deeply sorry about Isha. I am thinking of you and your family.

The loss of a brother or sister.

Kev, I still can't believe Sean is gone. I'll never forget the two of you arguing about football at your wedding while your mom tried to start the speeches. He was the loudest person I knew, and I'll miss him.

Dear Lucia, I'm so sorry about your sister. You told me so many stories about her, and I know how much you will miss her.

The loss of a grandparent. Do not treat it as the smaller loss because it was expected.

Mei, I was so sad to hear about your grandma. Grandma Lin taught us to fold dumplings and laughed at every one of mine. I know she was the one you went to for everything.

Dear Felix, I'm so sorry about your grandfather. I know how often you drove out to see him, and how much those visits meant to you both.

And the loss of a pet. Losing a dog or a cat is a real grief, and it often goes unmarked.

Theo, I'm so sorry about Biscuit. Fourteen years of that dog meeting you at the door. The house must be so quiet.

Dear Mrs. Kowalski, I was sorry to hear that Pepper has died. We will miss seeing her asleep in your front window.

Sympathy Messages for a Friend, a Coworker, Your Boss, an Employee, a Neighbor, or Someone You Barely Know

A sympathy message for a friend can be warm, with a memory and an offer; a condolence message for a coworker or a boss is shorter and more formal; for someone you barely know, start with who you are.

A friend who lives far away.

Nour, I'm so sorry about your father, and I hate being this far away. I'll always remember him walking me to the bus stop in the rain, holding the umbrella over me instead of himself. I'm calling on Sunday, and I'll keep calling.

A coworker, in the formal register. Take work off their mind.

Dear Amara, I was very sorry to learn of your father's death. Please accept my sympathy. Take whatever time you need; we will look after things here.

With kind regards, Ewan

Your boss.

Dear Richard, I was so sorry to hear about your mother. You always ask after our families, and this week all of us are thinking of yours.

With sympathy, Noriko

An employee, from their manager. Tell them how their leave will work, so they do not have to ask.

Dear Kwame, I was saddened to hear that your mother died. Your projects are covered, and HR will send you the details of your bereavement leave today. Nothing here needs you until you're ready.

With sympathy, Frances

A group sympathy card from work. One person writes the main message, and everyone else adds one real line of their own.

Dear Gabriel, all of us on the design team were so sad to hear about your father. We are thinking of you and your family, and we'll see you whenever you're ready.

Under it:

• "So sorry, Gabriel. I loved your stories about his fishing trips." Tariq
• "Thinking of you. Here for a walk at lunch whenever you're back." Dev

A neighbor.

Dear Mrs. Lindqvist, we were sad to hear about Arne. He kept our side of the hedge tidy for nine years and never once mentioned it. If you need a ride anywhere, just knock, any time.

Warmly, Tess and Omar

Someone you barely know, such as the family of a friend who died.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Duarte, you don't know me, but I sat next to Tiago in chemistry for two years. He was the only one who could make our teacher laugh. I wanted you to know how much he mattered to the people around him.

With my deepest sympathy, Zoe Lambert

If you have more to say to Tiago than to his family, that belongs in a letter to someone who died.

When you never met the person who died.

Dear Sana, I never met your father, but I feel I knew him a little through you: the Sunday phone calls, the advice about tires, the way you lit up talking about his garden in Lahore. I'm so sorry.

The family of a coworker who died.

Dear Mrs. Tanaka, I worked with Osamu for six years, and I am so sorry. New staff were always sent to him, because he would explain anything twice without making you feel slow.

With deepest sympathy, Sigrid Olsen

Condolences by Text, WhatsApp, Email or Card: What Changes With the Channel

A condolence text fits in one to three lines, an email in a short paragraph and a card in three or four lines; the words barely change, only the length, the timing and who else can read them.

A florist's card with flowers.

With love and deepest sympathy. We'll miss Russ at every barbecue.

Neel and Ritu Mehta

A text or WhatsApp.

Femi, I'm so sorry about your mom. Auntie Bisi always made me feel like one of the family. No need to reply; I'll call later in the week.

An email, with a subject line such as "Thinking of you".

Dear Rafael, I've just heard about Nuria, and I am so sorry. She knew everyone's name by the end of the summer party, mine included. I'll keep your clients updated until you're back, so that's one thing off your list.

With sympathy, Gideon

A comment under the family's post. If the news is not public yet, do not post it: it is the family's to share, and our guide on how to announce a death is written for them.

So sorry, Marcus. Coach Lyle had half the kids on our street on his team, me included, and I can still hear him shouting "eyes up!" from the sideline. Thinking of you all.

When to call or visit too. If the person is very close to you, call first and write as well; AARP's guide quotes Daniel Post Senning, a coauthor of Emily Post's Etiquette, saying it is both, not either-or. Visit if you live nearby and can bring food or help.

Religious and Non-Religious Condolence Messages: Christian, Islamic, Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist and Sikh

Use a religious phrase only when it belongs to the family's own faith; otherwise, plain sympathy is right. A Christian writing to a Muslim friend can use the Muslim phrases below. Never add your own theology: Humanists UK asks people not to press their beliefs about an afterlife, or their disbelief, on someone who is grieving. These phrases are common, not required.

One complete message for each of seven traditions:

Catholic.

Dear Bernadette, I'm so sorry about your mother. I've asked Father Padraig to offer a Mass for her at St. Agatha's; the card is enclosed. Eternal rest grant unto her, O Lord.

With love and prayers, Clodagh

Protestant or other Christian.

Dwayne, we're so sorry about your mom. Church won't sound the same without Miss Loretta holding the alto line. Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. We're praying for you all.

With love, Vern and Glenda

Orthodox Christian.

Dear Nikos, I was so sad to hear about your father. Kostas drove everyone home after church, whether we lived on his way or not. Memory eternal.

Eleni

Muslim.

Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un. Karim, I'm so sorry about your father. He welcomed me into your home every Eid like family. A'zam Allahu ajrakum. May Allah have mercy on him.

Jewish.

Dear Miriam, I'm so sorry about your father. Seders won't be the same without Saul's three jokes, told every year, and the way he laughed hardest at them himself. May his memory be a blessing.

Hindu.

Om Shanti. Arjun, I'm so sorry about your mother. She fed me every time I came to your house, hungry or not.

No religion, or when you don't know.

Holly, I'm so sad about Barney. I'll miss his terrible puns and his very good bread. See you at the celebration of his life on Saturday.

When the Death Was Sudden or Unexpected, by Suicide, of a Child or Baby, or After a Long Illness

After a sudden death, a suicide, the death of a child or a long illness, write less, not more: the person's name, your sorrow, and no questions about how it happened.

A sudden or unexpected death. The family is in shock and may not know the details themselves.

Paula, I can't take it in, so I can't imagine how you are. I'm so sorry about Ivo. You don't have to say anything back. I'll check in tomorrow, and the day after.

A death by suicide. Use the person's name and write about how they lived. Do not guess at why: the bereavement charity At a Loss warns that speculating about the reasons can add to a family's distress, and advises following the family's own words. Avoid "committed", which the International Association for Suicide Prevention discourages because it implies a crime; it recommends "died by suicide", though most messages need neither.

Dana, I'm so sorry about Alex. I still have the playlist he made for my road trip, and I've been playing it all day. I won't ask you anything. If you want to talk about him, I'm here, and if you'd rather talk about anything else, I'm here for that too.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Brennan, I am so sorry about Jesse. He coached my son's soccer team for two seasons, and the boys still do the victory dance he taught them.

With deepest sympathy, Nasreen Rahman

Keep checking in after the funeral, too: At a Loss notes that people bereaved by suicide can sometimes be at higher risk themselves. If you are worried about how someone is coping, say so, and help them find support: Find A Helpline lists free, confidential helplines in their country.

The death of a child, or of a baby. For a child, see the messages above. For a baby who died before or soon after birth, the stillbirth and neonatal death charity Sands reminds friends that to the parents the baby was a real person: use the name if they chose one, and write to both parents, who often keep the cards.

Dear Nina and Elliot, we are so sorry about Elsie. We were so looking forward to meeting her, and we will always say her name.

After a miscarriage, the Miscarriage Association advises acknowledging the loss and saying you are sorry. For many people, though not everyone, it was the loss of a baby, however early, so follow their words. The charity also notes that the due date can be a hard day. Put it in your calendar.

Keiko, I'm so sorry about your baby. I know how much you already loved them. I'm thinking of you and Ravi, and I'm here whenever you want to talk, or not talk.

After a long illness. Even when everyone saw it coming, the loss is no smaller. Do not call it a blessing; if the family does, let them. Do mention the caring.

Dear Pat, I'm so sorry about Gordon. You looked after him for three years with such patience, and anyone who visited could see how much he loved you. I'll bring lunch on Friday.

What Not to Say in a Condolence Message or at a Funeral, and What to Say Instead

Leave out anything that explains the death, compares it, or asks the family to feel better. Many of the lines that hurt begin with "at least", "I know how you feel" or "everything happens for a reason".

Several of these lines come straight from bereavement charities' own lists: Cruse on assuming you know how someone feels and on vague offers of help, Sands on telling parents they will have another baby, the Miscarriage Association on "at least" and "everything happens for a reason". AARP's guide adds "time heals" and your own losses.

What to Say When Someone Dies: At the Door, the Visitation or the Funeral

When someone dies, "I'm so sorry" and one sentence about the person who died is enough to say in person; being there says the rest.

• At the door, with food. "I won't come in. I brought soup, and I'm so sorry."
• In the receiving line. Give your name and how you knew them: "I'm Jules. I worked with your mom for ten years, and she was wonderful to me."
• When nothing comes. "I don't know what to say. I'm just so sorry." That is enough.
• To a teenager in the family. "Your dad talked about you all the time. I'm so sorry." Only if he did.
• At a shiva house, where a Jewish family receives visitors in the week after the burial, guests traditionally wait for the mourner to speak first, and say the HaMakom words as they leave.
• At a Muslim family's home. "A'zam Allahu ajrakum", or simply "I'm so sorry". Bring food with no pork or alcohol in it: the Yaqeen Institute traces feeding the bereaved to the Prophet's instruction to feed the family of Ja'far.
• Leaving. "I'll call you next week." Then call.

If you cry, that is all right; tears show the family how much the person who died was loved. Say "I loved her too," and let the line move. If you arrive late, take a back row, speak to the family afterward, and apologize once: "I'm sorry I missed the start."

If you could not come, write, and tell them you were thinking of them at that hour.

Dear Doreen, I'm so sorry I couldn't be at Bill's funeral. At eleven o'clock I stopped what I was doing and thought of you all. I'd love to visit when things are quieter; I'll call next week.

In the guest book, write one line and your full name, so the family can tell later who came.

Bill taught me chess when I was nine, and I still open every game the way he showed me. Thinking of you all.

Simon Clarke

If you have been asked to speak at the funeral, see short eulogy examples.

Late or Belated Condolences: Writing Weeks or Months Afterward

It is not too late to send belated condolences weeks or months after a death. AARP's guide puts the ideal at a week or two and says it is never too late to write.

A late message often means more, not less: it arrives after the first cards have stopped coming. Say once that you are sorry it is late, then write about the person.

When you have only just heard.

Dear Stan, I only just heard about Jean, from Trudy at the bakery. I'm so sorry, and sorry too that this comes so late. I'll always remember the two of you dancing at the block party, very badly and completely happy.

Warmly, Edith

When you meant to write months ago.

Dear Zainab, I've thought about writing every week since your mother died, and I'm sorry it has taken me until now. I didn't know what to say, and I still don't, except that I think of her every time I pass the library where she worked. I'd love to take you to lunch this month, whenever works for you; no need to answer now.

The first Christmas is another good time to write, and our guide to the first Christmas without a loved one has words for it.

Writing Again Later: The Six-Month Note

Write again around six months after the death, when the cards have stopped; that second note may be the most useful condolence message you send. Cruse notes that support and visitors can "dry up after the funeral", just as the weeks and months start to feel harder. Before you mail the first card, put the person's name in your calendar at six months, at the first anniversary and on their birthday. Our guides to what to say on a death anniversary and the birthday of someone who died have words for those days.

Rosie, it's six months since Ollie died, and I haven't stopped thinking about him, especially the time he drove four hours to bring you the cat you'd left behind. No need to reply. I'm still here, and I'll call you this weekend.

You can also write that note now, in words that will still be true six months from now. With Goodbye App you write a letter, add one voice recording if you like, and schedule it to arrive by email on the day and at the hour you choose, up to 30 years ahead. It is private until it is sent, and it is free. Each letter is delivered once, so the six-month note and the anniversary note are two letters.

Common Questions

What do you say to someone who lost a loved one? That you are sorry, with the name of the person who died and one true thing about them: "I'm so sorry about [Name]. I'll miss [her laugh]." Then ask nothing of them. A plain "I'm sorry for your loss" is fine too; add the name and one line of your own, and it stops sounding like a form.

Is it OK to send condolences by text? Yes, as a first message to someone you already text: one to three lines, with no reply needed. If you are close, follow it with a call or a card.

How soon should you send a sympathy card? Within a week or two of the news is ideal, but there is no deadline; a later card is still welcome.

What do you write in a sympathy card for someone you don't know well? Who you are, how you knew the person, and that you are sorry: "I played bridge with your father every Tuesday for five years, and he was always kind to a terrible partner. I'm so sorry for your loss."

What do you say when someone dies in Islam? Muslims often begin with "Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un", we belong to God, and to Him we return, then pray for the family: "A'zam Allahu ajrakum", may God magnify your reward. There is no set formula, and any words that comfort count.

How do you say "my condolences" in Spanish? "Mi más sentido pésame", my deepest condolences, is the traditional phrase for a card or a funeral, and "Lo siento mucho", I'm so sorry, works with anyone. Add the person's name and one line of your own, as in any language.

How do you sign a sympathy card? "With love" for family and close friends; "With sympathy", "Thinking of you" or "Warmly" for others; "With deepest sympathy" or "With sincere condolences" when the card is formal; "With prayers" when you share their faith. Add your last name if they might not know which Sarah you are.

Can you send condolences on Facebook? Yes, once the family has shared the news. Comment on their post rather than starting your own, and save anything personal for a private message.

How do you end a condolence message? With something that asks nothing of them: "No need to reply", "Thinking of you", or one specific offer with a day on it. Then your name.

If you are reading this because you are thinking about ending your life, please talk to someone today. findahelpline.com lists free, confidential helplines in your country, and there is more on our suicide and self-harm page.